Being deprived of sleep while your partner slumbers on can lead to feelings of resentment if the sleep arrangement that the two of you have worked out starts feeling like an unfair deal to the partner who is repeatedly doing night duty—typically Mom. (The National Sleep Foundation 2004 Sleep in America Poll found that mothers get up 89 percent of the time with infants, 85 percent of the time with toddlers, and 71 percent of the time with preschoolers.)
Sleep—how much and of what quality—is the main source of conflict for us,” says Samantha, the 31-year-old mother of eight- month-old Sadie. “My husband gets way more sleep—and by that I mean uninterrupted sleep. I can’t even remember what that is, and I get very bitter about the inequality of our situation.” “I was so resentful of the fact that he was lying there sleeping while I was getting up for the third time that night to breast-feed,” recalls one mother of two.
When I’d come back to bed, I’d get in bed as noisily as possible in the hope that I’d manage to wake him up. I practically used the bed as a trampoline as I bounded back into it at 4:00 a.m. If he didn’t wake up, I’d lie in bed feeling incredibly angry at him for not waking up, and that resentment would build in me until I felt like I was going to explode. And all the while, he would be having a good night’s sleep without a care in the world.” “We agreed before the baby was born that while I was off work, I would get up with the baby and hubby would sleep because he had to go to work the next day,” recalls Amanda, the 23-year-old
mother of 11-month-old Jace. “But agreement or not, there were nights that I hated my husband when I had to get up and he could stay in bed, drooling and snoring into his pillow. Now that I’m back at work, too, we take turns getting up in the night. That’s a much better idea.
If you and your partner find yourself exchanging angry words in the night or icy glares over the breakfast table, maybe it’s time to clear the air about nighttime parenting issues. Here are some tips from other parents who have successfully negotiated the 3 a.m. treaty (or whatever treaty it is that needs to be negotiated to restore peace on the parental front).
Sleep—how much and of what quality—is the main source of conflict for us,” says Samantha, the 31-year-old mother of eight- month-old Sadie. “My husband gets way more sleep—and by that I mean uninterrupted sleep. I can’t even remember what that is, and I get very bitter about the inequality of our situation.” “I was so resentful of the fact that he was lying there sleeping while I was getting up for the third time that night to breast-feed,” recalls one mother of two.
When I’d come back to bed, I’d get in bed as noisily as possible in the hope that I’d manage to wake him up. I practically used the bed as a trampoline as I bounded back into it at 4:00 a.m. If he didn’t wake up, I’d lie in bed feeling incredibly angry at him for not waking up, and that resentment would build in me until I felt like I was going to explode. And all the while, he would be having a good night’s sleep without a care in the world.” “We agreed before the baby was born that while I was off work, I would get up with the baby and hubby would sleep because he had to go to work the next day,” recalls Amanda, the 23-year-old
mother of 11-month-old Jace. “But agreement or not, there were nights that I hated my husband when I had to get up and he could stay in bed, drooling and snoring into his pillow. Now that I’m back at work, too, we take turns getting up in the night. That’s a much better idea.
If you and your partner find yourself exchanging angry words in the night or icy glares over the breakfast table, maybe it’s time to clear the air about nighttime parenting issues. Here are some tips from other parents who have successfully negotiated the 3 a.m. treaty (or whatever treaty it is that needs to be negotiated to restore peace on the parental front).
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